Never promise something with always
by TeBlacks
Summary: Remus is left alone after Sirius death and he doesn't know how to handle a question Dumbledore had for him when his best friends support is gone NO SLASH ONLY FRIENDSHIP!


**AN: Hi everybody. This came to me after reading a fic, don't remeber wich one but anyway. I'm quite pleased with it, hope you'll like it.  
So enjoy!**

Remus had returned to Grimauld place even after Dumbledore told them not to. He didn't care if Death Eaters would show up, he didn't care that they had emptied the house and he didn't care that he was alone. He always felt alone these days anyway, so it didn't matter that no one was around anymore. Anyway, he couldn't stand how they all seemed to have moved on (because, of course they had, why wouldn't they?) and expected him to care about everything else that went wrong with their world.

He knew Dumbledore'd been trying to reach him, and he also knew what it was about and he knew he wouldn't be able to decline this time. The only reason for declining was gone and that almost made it more seductive. So that's why he avoided Albus Dumbledore specifically. Because he wouldn't be able to say no, and that scared him.

But of course, no-one could avoid Albus Dumbledore forever. Eventually he found Remus in the dark drawing room of Grimauld Place. Remus had been sitting in the darkness and looked into the fading fire when Dumbledore's voice startled him.

"Hello, Remus."

Remus shot up from his position on the couch and turned to the voice, wand at the ready. When he saw the kind face of Albus Dumbledore he lowered his wand and relaxed. "Headmaster, you startled me."

"That is easily happened when one is indulged in deep thought. Perhaps we should move down to the kitchen to talk because I should very much like a cup of tea."

"Of course," said Remus and lead the way down to the dark kitchen. He lit the fire and some candles for the headmaster's sake, Remus quite liked the dark. As he moved around the kitchen to prepare the tea he braced himself for what he knew to come. He put down the cup in front of the old man and sat down opposite to him.

"Remus, you've been avoiding us all, especially me, why is that?"

"I know what you will ask of me headmaster, and I won't be able to say no this time, and I'm not sure I'm ready." He looked down into his tea and for a split second he wished it was something stronger than tea.

"So why won't you decline?"

"There's no reason anymore, the only reason is dead," he said it with an indifferent voice, but he got up from the table and turned his back to the elder man. He pretended that it made no difference, but he didn't trust his face to play along.

"Remus, I won't think less of you just because you show a little weakness," Dumbledore said in a kind voice, but Remus didn't turn to face him. "Remus, please face me. I know I will ask too much of you, which is why I want to see your face when I'm doing it."

"I'm not ready yet, and it's not because I can't face you. It's just . . . It hurts too much. All the memories from the last time you asked me."

"_Remus, you know he's going to ask you. Because here you are, who to better do it than our very own werewolf?" Sirius said and followed Remus out of the room. Remus shock his head and walked into his livingroom._

"_Sirius, we all agreed to do what we could when we joined the order, and like you said; who better to do this job than me?" He walked over to his bookshelf and started reorganizing his books. "Padfoot, it allways shows when you've been looking trough my books."_

"_Don't you dare change the subject, Moony. Can you honestly say you want to spy on the warewolfs?" Remus turned to Sirius._

"_Of course I don't, no job for the order is something I would do if I didn't have to. But I can't just sit around__ and do nothing." _

"_I'm not saying you shouldn't do anything," Sirius said with a raised voice. "But there are so many other things you can do for the order. This is too dangerous!"_

"_And the other jobs aren't?" Remus asks and walk away from the grey eyes that where staring into his. He couldn't look Sirius in the eyes and stay strong, because they reflected his own fear. _

"_Remus, this is dangerous in another way, because this isn't about knowing spells or how to stay cool in a dangerous situation. This is about trying to blend in among wizards who most of them are evil and trying to convince them that you want nothing to do with the wizarding world. And let's face it, Moony, you've never been a very good liar." _

"_Padfoot, what will I have to do to convince you that I want to do this?"_

"_You can't do anything, because if you say you want to do this you would be lying." Sirius knelt down before the chair Remus sat in so that he was at eye level and Remus couldn't avoid his eyes. "If you say yes when Dumbledore asks you, you know that it will tear you apart. The full moons are already hard on you, and with the added stress of the job you will slowly witter away. I've seen it," he looked away and his face became hard. "That time it was my fault, you remember? After the Snape incident" Remus nodded._

_After the full moon when Sirius had told Snape about the Shrieking Shack Remus wouldn't let the Marauders tag along during the full moons anymore. He didn't say anything but they all noticed how much worse he looked after the full moons, and he pulled away from them. They didn't think it was done consciously, but however he suffered and it was nothing they could do about it._

_Sirius felt responsible and after yet another declining answer when they asked if he wanted company he decided to ignore Remus and help him anyway. _

_After that it went back to normal and they never spoke of it again, but Sirius never forgot it. How could he ever forget how his friend had looked like? There had been so many more cuts and scrapes than usual, he had dark circles under his eyes constantly and Remus had never had much fat to take from when he lost his appetite the days before the full moon, but during that time he became only skin and bones._

"_Sirius, I don't want to talk about that. We agreed we wouldn't."_

"_I know, but I have to renew you memory it seems. I don't think you remember how bad it was." Remus tried to stand up, but Sirius pushed him down in the chair again. "No, you will listen to this, because it seems like it's the only way for me to get you to hear me. I swear to, well not God but perhaps Merlin, that if things hadn't gone back to normal you would have died. Because you have this tendency to suffer in silence because you don't want to burden people, but that's what we're here for!"_

_Remus broke free and stood up. He walked over to the window but Sirius remained where he was. "Sirius, there was a reason for why we never talked about this. It's painful for me too, to remember. And of course I don't want to burden people more than I already do, I've been a burden my entire life!"_

_Sirius was at his friends side in two steps. "Remus, you've never been burden to us. A burden is something that's causing problems, and if anyone can tell me of one time you caused problems I will die before I turn forty." Both men smiled slightly before they turned serious again. "Please, Remus. Promise me you won't take this job. I can't watch you witter away again. Not again."_

"_I want to help," Remus said and looked out the window._

"_We all want to help, that's why we entered the order." Sirius placed a hand on Remus cheek and turned his head around so that their eyes met again. "But please, don't do this. I can't watch my friend walk to his own death." The pain in Sirius eyes was too much for Remus to bear_

"_Okay," Remus whispered. "Okay, I won't."_

"_Promise me."_

"_Only if you promise you'll always be there for me."_

"_I promise."_

"_Then I promise."_

"So many ghosts I've been trying to forget." He shook his head and turned to the older man. "Please, let's just get this over with."

"Remus, would you please sit down." He obliged and sat down by his tea. "You know I will ask you to spy on the warewolfs. I know how dangerous it is, and I know you know about all of the risks, so you can turn the job down if you want to. It's not something you have to do."

"No, but I'll do it. Someone have to right? And here I am, ready and set."

"That's not at all how I look at it, Remus. It's just a great advantage to know what the warewolfs position is, how they look at this war."

"_You know it will kill you" _A small voice in his head said. No, that wasn't true. He knew what he would have to do to survive, this wasn't like back then. He was older now, and knew more. "_But it's the same situation," _the voice continued. _"You're alone and you feel betrayed. Who's to say you won't give a damn about what you know or that you know to avoid it to get so bad?" _Because he knew.

"Remus, did you hear me?"

"No, I'm sorry headmaster. What did you say?"

"Are you absolutely positive you have no problem with this assignment?"

"Absolutely positive." _It will kill you!_

"Then I guess I should get going, but I'll keep in touch about details when I know more."

Remus followed Dumbledore to the door and avoided his eyes when he shook the older mans hand before closing the door behind him. When the door was closed and the darkness settled once again he sighed deeply.

"You promised me you wouldn't do this," he heard Sirius voice say.

"Yeah, well you promised me you'd always be here."

**AN: I know it may have seemed like a slash and you can read what you want into it, but I didn't intend it to be a slash. I hope you enjoyed it and will leave a review.**


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